I honestly believe that I am someone who really takes into consideration a mans feelings when it comes to dating. Especially when it comes to letting him know I’m not interested in seeing him further. I really hate it, and I am horrible at it. Its pure torture. I probably put more energy into sweating about telling a guy than any energy he puts in after I tell him. It’s ridiculous.
I know honesty is the best policy, but its still torture. So you start out saying “you’re a really great guy…then “the BUT” comes in. They usually know its coming because you start out that way. It’s hard because people don’t want to be the barrier of bad news. This is why men sometimes just disappear, because they don’t want to deal with it. It’s easier to hide. I decided to ask my dear friend Evan Marc Katz, dating coach, what his thoughts are on the subject. After 1-2 dates: Evan recommends using email. At first I was quite surprised by his answer, thinking that its a cold way to tell someone. But when we talked more he explained neither one of you has really any investment, so there is no need to do anything more. The goal is to do it in the most simple, pain-free and clear way. He doesn’t deserve a breakup conversation. Example: “Dear XX, I had a really great time hanging out with you, you seem like a great guy, I just wasn’t feeling the spark necessary to move forward. I wish you the best of luck in your search. I’m sure you’re going to make some woman very happy one day. Best wishes….” Evan says “You don’t have to get into a statement of details of why, its classy, polite and complimentary.
It leaves no room for interpretation. You’re not being rude by doing this. Rude, is the girl that takes his calls and says she’s going to see him again, and then avoids him. A good way to look at it is to put myself in his shoes. If a guy went on a date with me, would I prefer he: 1) Tell me on the phone he’s not interested. 2) Write me an email. 3) Not tell me anything, but avoid me. I would definitely say “2”. I think it would be easier to read it in an email, it seems more harsh actually to hear him say the words, especially if I liked him. But still much prefer #1 over #3 avoiding me or dropping of the face-of-the-earth. Evan also says after three dates or if there was physical intimacy, this deserves a phone conversation. I understand that “men are from venus and women mars”, but I never really thought of the simple solution of just putting myself in his shoes to find my answer. Simple enough.
Telling a Guy You’re Not Interested: Part 2
Dating is an experiment. You both show up to see if the experiment will work or not work. So you go out on a 1st date and there’s good conversation, good laughter and you seem to both be having a good time. End of date, he walks you to your door and he reaches to give you a kiss. But you know you don’t want to see him again. What should you do? I asked my dear friend, Alex Wise from Loveawake.com dating site, what to do in this situation. He makes a good point by saying that kissing him is a confusing sign that you are interested. True. true. But I think there is another way to look at it. So as I learned from Part 1, I ask myself how I would like to be rejected, if the roles were reversed. So it seemed like he had a good time on the date so I proceeded to lean over to kiss him. But I’m not a mind reader, so I actually don’t know he is not interested, what would I want him to do? 1) push me away and say he’s not interested. or 2) Kiss me anyway and tell me the next day he is not interested. #2 without a doubt. I guess I like the idea of ending the date on a good note. I think its less hurtful to hear the next day than right there on the spot. Sometimes I feel I am just too thoughtful. Because when a man spends a good amount of money on dinner and a nice bottle of wine immediate rejection doesn’t seem right to me. Evan’s response…“Thats what men are counting on. Men need to get a return on their investment, how much action we are going to get at the end of the night. But you are only accountable to yourself, you really don’t owe a man anything. Even if he feels you owe him something.
You don’t. A date is an experiment. Its not a contract between two people. Its do we like each other enough to see each other again? What really drives people crazy, is the “why”. Why doesn’t someone want to see me again, we ask ourselves after we have been rejected. Women are especially good at this. The “why” really doesn’t matter. He could be hung up on his ex-girlfriend, a bad relationship with his mother or you’re just too awesome, that it may scare him…you just don’t know what’s going on in other people’s minds. Figuring out the answer does not change the fact that he is not interested. I really try to remember this when I am interested in someone and he disappears. There is no reason to beat yourself up, it is what it is. It’s even worse for a women, when a guy has a great time, talks about the future, some intimacy may take place, then he never calls. Why would he do that? People send mixed messages. Especially men since they are so driven by attraction. Its not apparent at all how they feel about you until they follow up for a second date. A lesson I have learned is to not necessarily pay attention to what a man says but what he does in his actions. His actions say it all of what is true and real. If only I knew these things when I was in my 20′s, sure would of made dating a little easier. You live and learn, thats what its all about!
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